should I stay or should I go

I haven't been blogging, and didn't think I needed to anymore. I think I need to again, even though if anyone should read this, it might make them worry.

Since last week, when I finally had it out with people from school (because I got caught), I have been feeling like crap. I feel like crap because I've shown an ugly side of me, a side of me that is not typical Julie and I'm ashamed of that. I'm ashamed that I felt such negative feelings towards people who very quickly showed me I was so wrong. How did I let myself get like this? How did I let myself be blind like that? That's not to say I don't think my feelings weren't somewhat warranted, but jeeze it consumed me.

This semester has been rough. From what I've been hearing, everyone feels that way. It's not like the workload is that much more than it was last year. For myself, I think it comes from knowing I can be so happy at home with my family and friends, feel balanced, and when I get here, I become a different person. I hate it. I hate that this small part of me, the scholar on the path to becoming a professor of criminology, becomes the largest part of me or identity. When I'm at home, I'm a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a cousin, a best friend...part of a circle of people who have helped make me who I am, make me a better person. I'm so off balance without that. If I was to meet my maker right now based on Julie in PA, I can see Him passing judgment on me because I did not love my neighbor, I did not treat people the way I wished to be treated, I did not look at the big picture. When I'm home, I feel like a better person. At home, I do my best to help other people, I treat people how I want to be treated, I see that my actions have consequences. You know, when I go, my headstone isn't going to say, she was a damn good criminologist and I don't want it to. I'd rather be known as a loving family member and friend, as humble as it might sound.

I hate that I have no one in the department to confide in. They see all this as weaknesses. Do I really want to spend my life in this type of environment? Am I naive to think that I can find a place that isn't this bad, and I can help make it better? If I were to give up, does that mean there's no hope for the profession. Today in group therapy, it seems like the common theme these days is we grad students hate what we are doing and think we made a huge mistake. 

I could probably go on, but at this moment I'm about ready to crash. Please if you read this, don't worry. Just pray for me, for me to find the strength to get through this.