should I stay or should I go

I haven't been blogging, and didn't think I needed to anymore. I think I need to again, even though if anyone should read this, it might make them worry.

Since last week, when I finally had it out with people from school (because I got caught), I have been feeling like crap. I feel like crap because I've shown an ugly side of me, a side of me that is not typical Julie and I'm ashamed of that. I'm ashamed that I felt such negative feelings towards people who very quickly showed me I was so wrong. How did I let myself get like this? How did I let myself be blind like that? That's not to say I don't think my feelings weren't somewhat warranted, but jeeze it consumed me.

This semester has been rough. From what I've been hearing, everyone feels that way. It's not like the workload is that much more than it was last year. For myself, I think it comes from knowing I can be so happy at home with my family and friends, feel balanced, and when I get here, I become a different person. I hate it. I hate that this small part of me, the scholar on the path to becoming a professor of criminology, becomes the largest part of me or identity. When I'm at home, I'm a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a cousin, a best friend...part of a circle of people who have helped make me who I am, make me a better person. I'm so off balance without that. If I was to meet my maker right now based on Julie in PA, I can see Him passing judgment on me because I did not love my neighbor, I did not treat people the way I wished to be treated, I did not look at the big picture. When I'm home, I feel like a better person. At home, I do my best to help other people, I treat people how I want to be treated, I see that my actions have consequences. You know, when I go, my headstone isn't going to say, she was a damn good criminologist and I don't want it to. I'd rather be known as a loving family member and friend, as humble as it might sound.

I hate that I have no one in the department to confide in. They see all this as weaknesses. Do I really want to spend my life in this type of environment? Am I naive to think that I can find a place that isn't this bad, and I can help make it better? If I were to give up, does that mean there's no hope for the profession. Today in group therapy, it seems like the common theme these days is we grad students hate what we are doing and think we made a huge mistake. 

I could probably go on, but at this moment I'm about ready to crash. Please if you read this, don't worry. Just pray for me, for me to find the strength to get through this.

beautiful weekend

So far this weekend has been fabulous. Of course...I've been putting off the 3 papers I have to do, but I'm ok with that.

I finally got a dining table yesterday. My friend Cathy is done with her time at IUP, and is moving to Georgia to start teaching. She had a table, nice size, black tile top with light wood trim...I got it for $20. Then I bought 4 wooden chairs from my landlord's antique shop for $40, which are antique blue right now. So now I have a dining table! I'm totally thrilled. Of course my kitchen is a little cramped now, but that's mainly because I have a nice pile of recycling to take to the recycling center. I also got 2 end tables, which I think one is going to go in my bedroom because another friend of mine is moving and said he would give me a recliner. I also got a beige rug that I'm going to put in the living room because my living room theme is beige, blue and black with light wood. Kind of mixed matched, but it works. Just really need to work on fixing up my bedroom now.

I also went to Lowe's yesterday. I got myself this vinyl that makes your windows into privacy glass, to put on the bottom of my front screen door. I like having the light, but the cats like to peek out and I can't have that. I just put it up. I like it. I wasn't too thrilled leaving the door open and having the neighbors peeking in anyway. I forgot to look at screens and screen material though. I need to fix the screen on my front screen so I can leave it open. Plus only one window has a screen, so I need those expandable screens so I can open the windows. Yesterday I had the front window open and the cats jumped up on the sill and were hanging out. Almost pushed Bootsie out trying to get him down. Learned my lesson with them yesterday though, no open windows.

I also bought parsley, cilantro and basil already growing, and dill and oregano seeds to plant. I'm debating whether I should do them outside or put a pot inside so I have them all year long.

I also got my friend's george foreman grill, so last night I had hamburgers. That thing is awesome! Ate my burgers at my new table. Bought stuff to have a nice shrimp dinner tonight, and enchiladas sometime this week. Right now I have a strong urge to continue working on the house, but I seriously have to work on my paper that is due Wednesday.

I booked my plane ticket home, well home to the Gray's. I'm leaving here June 2nd. I'll probably stay a week or so with them and then fly to Ontario. My dad and I talked about flying Nicholas with me so he can see if flying is doable, that way when it snows here he can come visit.

Not too much longer then around here in PA. I work on Wednesday and Friday, and the following Monday. May 6th my last final is due in stats. May 12th I have to help with graduation, and then I think the 14th I start my week long summer class. I talked to Jen about going to Cedar Point in Ohio, the best roller coaster park in the country. I also have to gather up supplies for studying this summer and figure out how I'm getting them home.

All and all though, I'm pretty darn happy these days.

done with test, must act like I am not

This is so retarded. Here I am taking a midterm test for reserach methods and I'm done, yet I can't leave because my professor said "if you get done and have an hour left, you need to go back and probably add some things." Ok well I got done with 2 hours to spare, so what does that say? I am a little worried that it came too easily, but heck I've been doing this for 3 years now. So I figured I'd blog because at least this way it looks like I'm adding more to my answers.
I'm a stressed out nervous wreck these days. I have 4 more weeks of class for this semester and I'm officially done with my first year! How cool is that? yet at the same time, I have 4 more weeks of class, in which I have a survey due, 30 page paper, one 15 page paper and one 8 to 10 page paper, on 3 different subjects. Try juggling online domestic violence support groups, drug courts and females, and mental health issues and women in prison...it's mind boggling. As well as statistics! Ugh stats...I got a C- on my alternative exam. I got a C on the midterm! What the heck?! Gibbs told me he's not worried about my capability, but jeeze. I do NOT want a C in the course. He is a cream puff though. He is always concerned about my health, and asks how my dad is doing. I think for those reasons I really would like him as my dissertation chair, but then again...I have a hard time understanding him. I overdrew my bank account and in total that cost me $350 in fees. Unreal. Stress + math=big time mistakes in my checking account. Which makes me feel stupid. Oh well, what's done is done. I have issues with my taxes to handle. I'm trying to get social services to give me medical so I have a ton of paperwork to track down and an interview on monday for that. Eye exam today because one, my glasses are broken and two, I don't think they are strong enough anyways. I have got to figure out what to do with my cats while I'm gone. Keith offered to take them as long as they can be outdoor cats, and I'm seriously ready to take him up on the offer because I hate to burden anyone else by having to come to my house and change the litter. It will be summer, they'll be ok. It's just Bootsie is declawed, so he might not make it as an outdoor cat. Roxy isn't though. Of course then there are issues with fleas...ugh. And flying is a no go, it costs way too much. I can't get ahold of this doctor I'm supposed to see about this mrsa stuff. It's just all piling up right now.
Tomorrow I'm getting out of dodge though. I'm going to a comic book convention with Jen and Andrew. I wasn't going to go because I need to work...but I think I need to get away. At least in group this week we discussed how we need downtime and when you feel guilty about downtime, you need more of it, so it's a cycle. So I need some downtime and I'm not going to feel guilty about it.
I cannot wait to go home. I miss everyone, but mainly I miss really feeling like I can put school aside and relax at times. I miss how good I feel just hanging out at Starbucks with Brian. I can't wait for a big 4th of july bash or just bbqing in the back yard. 4 more weeks...well and then a week of summer school...end of May, end of May!

better days

kind of...
I had a great day yesterday. It got up to about 66, the sun was shining, it just put me in a great mood. Work went well...had a guy who was kind of flirty and I chalk that up to the fact that since i felt better mentally it was showing physically, thus making me more attractive. Did have some hang ups yesterday, mainly missing the bus and then having a flat tire at home...but i didn't let it get to me too much.
I've started a diet...so to speak. Watching what I eat at least...since Sunday. Next week's trip to cincinnati will probably shoot it all the heck but the intention is there, some motivation...so that's good.
I'm getting slammed with school stuff right now though. Not enough time...well at least not enough time to get it done AND try to mentally heal myself. I think I'm getting better about letting what other people are doing roll off my back. I told Jen today, if I walked out with hardly a thing on my resume, I wouldn't care...I'm not there to be put on a million projects, I just want to learn and try to enjoy the learning process.
I joined the graduate student support group. Today was our second meeting, and I think it is helping too. I'm so not alone with these frustrations of power, control and manipulation at this stage in school, or alone with my feelings. I'm kind of bummed we don't have a meeting next week.
Back to yesterday...I think it was one of the first days that I felt like a grown woman, living her life for herself. Indiana, PA is where I live....which really isn't all that different from where I came from. I guess I felt like I was living more in the present than living for the past. I really truly wish I could feel that way everyday.
Instead I have 3 days of classes, prep for 2 presentations for conference and reading reading reading!

dream

Last night I had 2 odd dreams: one good, one bad. I wanted to write more because of the good one, even though the bad one has left me feeling angry this morning, so I'll start with it. I dreamt that I was very hostile in my policy class. I hit someone, I got people kicked out of the program, I yelled at my professor...now I know this is all because I'm so frustrated with that class right now. It's so unlike me to not understand an assignment. So I woke up still feeling upset and I'm trying to get in a better frame of mind. I'm watching Joel, but this episode doesn't really pertain to me, so it's not really helping.
Ok the good dream though. I dreamt that my dad and the Peters were all sitting around me and we laughing and joking about how they are so surprised I've lasted this long from home. They joked how they figured I would have given up and come home by now. So perhaps that is what I need to focus on. I know that even if this one class is frustrating me so much right now, it isn't going to beat me.
Yesterday was crappy though. We got a ton of snow. Stupidly I drove to school for work, fishtailing all over the place. Well it was worse at noon when I left. So much so, at one point I was going uphill sideways. I was shaking when I got home. Class was cancelled today (although, my teacher didn't email ME to tell me) but I have work this afternoon. I'm taking the bus.

freezing!

Yesterday was horrible here. It was so darn cold and windy on top of that. I had to go out (well, I could have stayed home but no) to go to Jen and Andrew's for dinner and lordy the cold hurt my body and lungs! I had my first "accident" in this winter weather too. I hit the curb pretty hard with the side of my tire. Ice on the road isn't fun. Then I found out if you leave a can of soda in the car in this kind of weather, it will explode. I went to move my umbrella in the front seat this morning and realized I had a mound of brown ice inside my car, then found the open soda can. At least it was all frozen, but eventually what I couldn't get out will be a sticky mess. My poor car is having it as rough, if not worse, than I am.
Let's see...last week I just decided to really be lazy as far as school went, and honestly, having all that me time really helped. I made cupcakes for my class, I worked around the house, I've been finding things to finally decorate the walls with (a huge Elvis poster for my room, some blue iron wall thing and curtains), and even got a golf club for the driving range. Of course now I need to get back to work, and my policy paper is driving me nuts. I just can't figure out what I'm supposed to do, my teacher can't seem to clarify it any better, and so I have no desire to do any research. Plus, it envolves discussing Pennsylvania, and honestly I don't care about this state.
I got myself an exercise bike, and did 15 minutes just now on it while I did some reading. Hopefully it will help, which I think it will. I should get back to being productive.

a restless night

Last night Nicholas had to have surgery for a ruptured appendix. Sarah text messaged me through the night...which I appreciate but at the same time...ugh. I'm telling you, this policy class landed on the wrong day. Wednesday mornings just haven't been great for me so far. I have to be up at school early too to discuss disresptful students with Dr. Martin. I graded papers for 5 hours yesterday and was appalled by how many students used foul language. One student went so far as to also put as his answer "I don't feel the need to regurgitate what I know here," and "I'm tired of these 'what if' questions." Well tough, you are the student. And they don't even know that I read these and not their actual teacher. Who says that to a teacher?? Was he testing him to see if "he" reads them? Unreal. But Dr. Martin wants to confront those students, which I was happy to hear.
I went to Maryland over the weekend to see Kathy and her sister. Her sister got laid off and decided to move back to California, so I went to help pack. The drive to DC isn't too bad actually, so I'll have to go when it's spring. It was great to help someone who doesn't think you have alterior motives. And it was really great to see a friendly, familiar face. Dr. Parsons emailed me and told me she's worried about me too. I'm trying...I really am...I don't want to be depressed and let this all get to me. I should get going...

off to Maryland

I got great news Thursday afternoon: Kathy is going to be in Maryland to help her sister move back to California! So of course I changed my plans to be able to head down there and see her. So I'm leaving after my class this morning at noon. Now the downer is, we had freezing rain overnight, so everything is covered in ice, but by the time I get on the road, it should be above freezing and we'll have rain, so it should melt. I'm so excited. I needed this so badly.
What else this week? Well, I went to the school clinic, waited 2 hours, to be told they think the lumps in my armpit are staph, again, and wanted to send me to the wound clinic. This meant looking into seeing if Kaiser would cover it, to find out, no they won't, but they will cover an ER visit. Go the ER, to have the admit nurse look at me skeptically when I said I had never been there before. Not good. Wait about an hour for the doctor to tell me it's inflammed cysts and gave me antibiotics. They are at least working. All this had me frazzled and not focused on school, so it was no wonder when wednesday I go to class totally unprepared for the essay we were going to write and were supposed to have an outline ready to do it. I had to lie and say I left it at home. I hate that. Then during break, Dr. Gido asked if I was alright. That was nice of her. I also had a student complain to the department chair that the advising center people don't know what they are talking about, meaning me, because I helped her. I didn't give her the wrong information, she didn't give me all the information. Ugh. So not a great week, but the weekend will be great.

me and my cats

I've had 2 cats for a week now and we're adjusting just fine. Bootsie and Roxy. I was only going to take Bootsie, but I ended up with both and am keeping both. It's nice to have something to talk to and not feel like a fool talking to myself. They have their quirks though. Bootsie likes to run around the place like a freak doing this catwalling meow thing. Usually does it at night when I'm trying to sleep too. I hate it most because I don't want the neighbors to hear and tell on me. Roxy is a clawer; she likes to kneed everything with her claws and scratch the doors and walls and carpet. She's also tempermental. Sometimes she's my best bud, others she wants nothing to do with me. I also didn't realize how much food and kitty litter they would need. I've gone through a big jug of kitty litter already, in a week. That's not good. Oh well...
Had a rough week. Lots of problems with my car. A flat tire, which turned into a bent wheel, which has turned into a decision of whether to get new wheels and tires, or just one unmatched wheel. Lost my keys, found my keys. Did get my car registered finally. I have to take it in this afternoon for an inspection. Hopefully this place can help me figure out my tire situation.
It's been colder than all get out here. It makes it very hard to be motivated to do anything because you don't want to move and get cold. Stephanie has been making me walk on campus though, so I think I've lost maybe a couple pounds I put on at christmas so far. However, with the week I had, last night I was horribly bad having taco bell and a ton of cookies.
I got myself into another position of being the bad guy/outsider. I get too worked up over little things. I really need to stop that. Anyway, I kind of showed that I wasn't going to look the other way as far as helping a fellow classmate out and leaving others out...and well that has put me back in the "what is her deal?" area, I think. I just want to get through this and away from here. So I think I've decided to do something as uncontroversial as possible to study, slide under the radar and get done. Why fight the man when I have no support system here?
So I'm homesick again, which I was hoping wouldn't happen this quickly. No idea if or when I'll be going home either, so nothing even to really look forward to. I think I might spend Easter with Uncle Marty and Aunt Dolores in Cleveland though. It will at least get me out of PA, and maybe I can do the rock and roll hall of fame again while I'm there.
As soon as I figure out my car situation and the snow lets up some, I'm doing some exploring too. I should get back to homework and housework before I go to the mechanic.

back to the daily grind

I'm home, and back to work today. It's snowing lightly and has been all day, so I'm freezing.
I got to see our new building today, and work in the new office. I'm proud of myself for finding the advising center right away, but had to wait for Dr. Frenzel to show up to unlock the door. So while I was standing there with students, I was able to help 2 of them. Now we're in the basement and while I was waiting, I looked around at the hallways that go every which way and the yellow walls and thought, oh this sucks. But our office door opens to a waiting area, and then there is the advising center, with windows at ground level (but you have to stand up to see out of them) and next door is Dr. Frenzel's office. About a half hour later Kendra showed up to help unpack Dr. F's office (butt kisser). She kept asking me if I was okay too, I suppose because I'm serious on the job and don't smile a lot. I can't help it, and I really can't help it when I'm working. Anyway...we don't have a copy machine now, so I had to send student's away and tell them to come back for copies of some of their paperwork. We have to go to our old building, which is sitting empty, to make copies. We also have to make all these folders for signatures, pick up, and now copying. I ended up helping 30 students in my 3 hour shift, so I guess that is pretty good. Kendra seemed impressed. It just seemed to flow and nobody had major problems. I have 4 students on academic probation I have to meet with though. I also found out we won't be getting keys to the building, we MIGHT get keys to the advising center in a week, we aren't allowed in the lounge, and there is a possibility that we don't get a key to the mailroom...which I have no idea if it is a room, or where it is, and my paper and final should be in it. I'm dying to see how I did to go over it with Dr. Lee and Dr. Hanrahan. We also apparently have somewhat of a budget in the department, so we are getting new computers with flat screen monitors, a flat screen tv in the outside waiting area (for information only, not cable), new waiting area chairs and new stepstools for the office. I asked Dr. F if it would happen in our lifetime and she laughed. Usually all the good stuff gets done after I'm done with a place. And lastly, Dr. F is trying to get me to take all 3 of her cats. She pulled the "but they are familyyyyyyyy" card with me. She described them more and it will be hard to choose. I can't take all three though. My allergies will be bad enough with one, but three will kill me. So now I'm just relaxing, tomorrow morning I work and I'm off in the afternoon, then classes start on Wednesday and I'll have homework to do all weekend I'm sure.